To be clear, the man did not have a samurai sword, my new hero did.
But we're not here to nitpick about newspaper editor's inept and ambiguous headlines.
We're here because we want carnage. And John Pontolillo, the 20 year old Johns Hopkins student who is now my sensei, obliged us.
Our hero's story begins with this...
Earlier on Monday, a band of evil thieves, possibly associated with Al Qaeda, broke into Pontolillo's apartment home and stole a Playstation and two laptops. At around 12 am, Tuesday morning, our hero used his jedi mind skills to detect movement near his garage. Sensing a chance to defend his honor, this brave combatant strode to his arsenal and chose the samurai's greatest weapon. No, not the ninja star, although that is also quite awesome. Instead it was "The Mall Purchased Katana." John approached the devious miscreant, and with one swipe and a stab, the criminal lay permanently right-handed and bleeding outside the garage.
"He wasn't a ninja." So says police spokesperson Anthony Guglielmi. Well of course thats true, Tony, because if he was an actual ninja, he'd be invisible to the untrained eye. Another brilliant observation from the apparent martial arts expert and police spokesman: "He may have been moderately trained or on the intermediate level." What incredible journalism, what reverence for the ancient art of death and stealth.
The remainder of "The Baltimore Sun" article discusses Katana pricing as well as vendors (It actually does), for all your home defense needs. This is the kind of in depth reporting we desperately need. If i ever procreate, I won't let my spawn see me tossing little christmas tree ornament ninja stars at my foe.
That's the truth.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
GreenPeace; Evolution from Ducks to Humans
Last year they sent ducks, this year it's humans.
Around the end of April last year, about 1600 ducks landed in a tailings pond on Syncrude property. Some background: a tailings pond is where all the excess sand and water goes, once every economical ounce of bitumen (look it up, I'm not defining everything here) is extracted. Syncrude is one of the three major oil sands companies up in northern Alberta, and its estimated capacity is about 350,000 barrels per day of oil production.
This post-process pond waste should be safe, but just in case there are some defenses set up around the perimeters to scare off wildlife. Mostly the defenses consist of little tanks of propane that are electrically timed to fire off gunshot type sounds. These echo and scare the crap out of the birds.
Well those failed.
I just want to know what they did with the heavy hauler driver. Many are women, and I personally wouldn't F with any of those Fort Mac chicks. Hope Greenpeace had those African game sized tranquilizer darts (not for the size of the woman, just the level of anger).
Word to the wise, oh heroes of the environment: You're not going to get choppered out of there when that driver breaks your legs. Not unless you swooped in with your flying V, and know how to hit your knuckle-puck.
Around the end of April last year, about 1600 ducks landed in a tailings pond on Syncrude property. Some background: a tailings pond is where all the excess sand and water goes, once every economical ounce of bitumen (look it up, I'm not defining everything here) is extracted. Syncrude is one of the three major oil sands companies up in northern Alberta, and its estimated capacity is about 350,000 barrels per day of oil production.
This post-process pond waste should be safe, but just in case there are some defenses set up around the perimeters to scare off wildlife. Mostly the defenses consist of little tanks of propane that are electrically timed to fire off gunshot type sounds. These echo and scare the crap out of the birds.
Well those failed.
Those ducks started landing and all of a sudden poor Syncrude had a bit of a PR problem. You can hunt anything in Alberta, but don't you dare let something die in a pond. Syncrude alarmists took meritorious action: airlifting a handful of sick birds all the way to Edmonton. No room for emergency room patients on this flight. Hell, let those organ donors drive 4 hours down highway 63, just clear that runway for Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Bottom line, huge cost to Syncrude, just another couple hundred dead animals for Darwin.
(Don't worry too much, a few days ago Syncrude plead not guilty to the suits against them).
Still,
Ducks 1, Humans 0.
Today though, Greenpeace took a little chapter out of Darwin's book. They said, screw ducks, lets downgrade for human lives. In one fell swoop, they coordinated a raid on the open pit mine of Albian Sands (another oil sands company). A few of their brave warriors jumped onto both a heavy hauler (house sized dump truck) and a shovel (where the shovel can park about 4 Jeeps). They chained themselves to the heavy machinery, and wont move until... well who really knows. I wonder if they brought sandwiches? I heard they have all their PPE: safety glasses, hard hats, even the blue Lego suits that are flame retardant. Way to comply with CCOHS (Canadian OSHA), don't want to get kicked off site for safety violations.
Bottom line, huge cost to Syncrude, just another couple hundred dead animals for Darwin.
(Don't worry too much, a few days ago Syncrude plead not guilty to the suits against them).
Still,
Ducks 1, Humans 0.
Today though, Greenpeace took a little chapter out of Darwin's book. They said, screw ducks, lets downgrade for human lives. In one fell swoop, they coordinated a raid on the open pit mine of Albian Sands (another oil sands company). A few of their brave warriors jumped onto both a heavy hauler (house sized dump truck) and a shovel (where the shovel can park about 4 Jeeps). They chained themselves to the heavy machinery, and wont move until... well who really knows. I wonder if they brought sandwiches? I heard they have all their PPE: safety glasses, hard hats, even the blue Lego suits that are flame retardant. Way to comply with CCOHS (Canadian OSHA), don't want to get kicked off site for safety violations.
I just want to know what they did with the heavy hauler driver. Many are women, and I personally wouldn't F with any of those Fort Mac chicks. Hope Greenpeace had those African game sized tranquilizer darts (not for the size of the woman, just the level of anger).
Word to the wise, oh heroes of the environment: You're not going to get choppered out of there when that driver breaks your legs. Not unless you swooped in with your flying V, and know how to hit your knuckle-puck.
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