What Are We Going to Do With All These Kids?

Main problem with kids: they keep reproducing. Not by themselves of course, silly. Big people keep making more of them.

And now they're too lazy to even do that! We've been practicing in vitro fertilization for quite a few years now (Since the first artificially born human, Louise Brown, was successfully birthed on July 25, 1978). The phrase , in vitro, is from the Latin root meaning "within the glass." I think it means that tons of babies are made every year because of liquor in big bottles (more glass). More glass = more alcohol = facilitation of coitus with opposite sex. Here is a logical proof.

Absolut Vodka comes in a large bottle. Beer comes in small bottles. Vodka has a higher alcohol content than beer. Vodka is therefore the primary ingredient for creating humans. That's just science.

So, with all this time elapsed since the first petri dish kid, scientists have found some interesting ways to increase chances of conception. One way is to freeze the little buggers after they're fertilized. It's just as safe as getting those suckers live, much like processed fish. It's estimated by wikipedia that there are 500,000 fish stick babies in the US alone. Now the question becomes, what the hell do we do with them?

Solution: Use them for scientific research, namely future fertilization techniques or stem cell research. Now that Barack is giving out money like Jack Nicholson in Batman, I'd love to see this.

It's not worth arguing that "ooo, zygotes have the same right as adults." You're an idiot for two reasons. One: these fertilized cells could never come to term naturally. If it wasn't for science, they'd pass out of their parent's body in a not so nice fashion. Two, if you're worried about a zygotes chances at life, you'll realize that 60-80% of ALL possible humans never even come to term, and this happens NATURALLY. I'm talking about the different levels of fertilization and natural abortions that happen in the womb, not the total possible number of humans based on number of eggs and sperm. If you're worried that a zygote is a human, do something about it! Women should be kept inside the house! And at an appropriate temperature! Water skiing and rock climbing are a NO NO. Voting entirely prohibited.

But we're not worried around these parts. and we know there's too many of the little bacteria running around. They sneeze and wipe greasy hands everywhere, giving me the flu.

The Bible says, "be fruitful and multiply." Yeah, great idea, Moses. Go push your Jewish world domination scheme somewhere else. Kids suck, keep em on ice.

RIP V.I.P.

I am already tired of being a news agency. Nose to the grindstone journalism isn't a walk in the park, with every sentence exhaustively researched, rewritten and then edited.

But I'll be your source. Like Joe Pesci in a mob flick, just one more time.

Southington, CT, recently passed a moratorium on "adult-oriented business." Specifically, a V.I.P. (Very Intimate Pleasures, for those of you who have never been a 14 year old boy looking at those signs on rte 91) is opening a store in an old Ethan Allen store, and people are UP IN ARMS.

Direct quote from The Record Journal, a preeminent local newspaper:
" "We know elections are coming up; if you folks aren't able to represent us, then let's find some who will," said the Rev. Eric Bucci of Southington, the pastor of a Cheshire church."

Fine words, Rev. But it looks like your current elected officials are already heroes! Ethan Allen is gone. Your town is saved from the price gouging, mass producing, slightly stylish cousin to Bob's Discount Furniture. Imagine paying $2800 for a camelback sofa made in the Philippines by 10 year olds. Highway robbery! Those kids have quick little hands, perfectly evolved to handle cheap pine around a chop saw. No way should anybody in this tri-town area pay more than 1700 Sacagawea's (yes it's a "G", not a "J") for that jazz.

"Only one resident spoke against the moratorium - despite, he said, having relatives speak in favor of it."
He's the guy that'll wear the T-shirt of the band to the concert.
And he obviously supports childhood inactivity, a direct contributor to pre-teen obesity. Us concerned citizens want to keep the Philippino youth healthy!


"It's a lynch mob of moral superiority," said John Garvin. "You would think with this crowd that we were discussing a huge tax increase or a new high school. Instead, it's because of sex in a bricks-and-mortar business."

Who the hell is John Garvin? What gives him the right to use phrases like "bricks-and-mortar business"?

Despite John Garvin's interest in waylaying the American public with burdensome, wallet sniping apartment accouterments, Ethan Allen will remain closed. And, the moratorium on adult business will be in effect for the next 8 months. Unreported but assumed, the only religious group sided against the moratorium is the Catholic priesthood.

Today Is My Debut in Cartooning.

Precisely (365 x 3) - some pseudo-random number (maybe 2005?), some cartoons were drawn by some great Danes, in some unpronounceable newspaper. They each poked fun at Islam, or Muhammad, or some other facet of the self-censoring Muslim community. Granted, being drawn in Europe, they were probably as humorous as Wanda Sykes stand-up. I'd be an angry Muslim too if somebody drew shitty cartoons about me.

In August, a book was published by Yale University Press, that documented the history of how the cartoons became popular enough to incite riots. Yes, Islam is a peaceful religion. I feel it's completely sensible to promulgate hate and fear in order to promote said peaceful religion. Why bolster logic and education? Does anybody go to school for fun?

Actual fake conversation with normal eight year old:

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ME: "Hey kid! Wanna go to Six Flags and have all the candy you want, or do you wanna go to SCHOOOOOOL?"

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KID: "No, I won't take my pants off!"

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Enough said. The Imams who brought the cartoons around the muslim world were pandering to their audience!

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But, back to the book. Yale University press refused to publish the book with the printed cartoons. That = another hullabaloo: "blah blah blah, Free Speech, blah blah blah, equal rights for women, blah blah blah, the Mason-Dixon Line." I totally back Yale's decision. Yale is a premier university here on Earth, they can't be endorsing shitty Eurotrash comedy.

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Now I want to see more cartoons bashing other religions! Let's see how Christians avenge their honor! Can buddhists stand up for themselves? Will a Hindu throw down like Chinatown? God, I hope so.

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I think it will only work if the cartoons were Danish. The fact still remains, Calvin and Hobbes is the best comic strip ever written.

Hopkins Student Kills Man with Samurai Sword

To be clear, the man did not have a samurai sword, my new hero did.
But we're not here to nitpick about newspaper editor's inept and ambiguous headlines.

We're here because we want carnage. And John Pontolillo, the 20 year old Johns Hopkins student who is now my sensei, obliged us.

Our hero's story begins with this...

Earlier on Monday, a band of evil thieves, possibly associated with Al Qaeda, broke into Pontolillo's apartment home and stole a Playstation and two laptops. At around 12 am, Tuesday morning, our hero used his jedi mind skills to detect movement near his garage. Sensing a chance to defend his honor, this brave combatant strode to his arsenal and chose the samurai's greatest weapon. No, not the ninja star, although that is also quite awesome. Instead it was "The Mall Purchased Katana." John approached the devious miscreant, and with one swipe and a stab, the criminal lay permanently right-handed and bleeding outside the garage.

"He wasn't a ninja." So says police spokesperson Anthony Guglielmi. Well of course thats true, Tony, because if he was an actual ninja, he'd be invisible to the untrained eye. Another brilliant observation from the apparent martial arts expert and police spokesman: "He may have been moderately trained or on the intermediate level." What incredible journalism, what reverence for the ancient art of death and stealth.

The remainder of "The Baltimore Sun" article discusses Katana pricing as well as vendors (It actually does), for all your home defense needs. This is the kind of in depth reporting we desperately need. If i ever procreate, I won't let my spawn see me tossing little christmas tree ornament ninja stars at my foe.

That's the truth.

GreenPeace; Evolution from Ducks to Humans

Last year they sent ducks, this year it's humans.

Around the end of April last year, about 1600 ducks landed in a tailings pond on Syncrude property. Some background: a tailings pond is where all the excess sand and water goes, once every economical ounce of bitumen (look it up, I'm not defining everything here) is extracted. Syncrude is one of the three major oil sands companies up in northern Alberta, and its estimated capacity is about 350,000 barrels per day of oil production.

This post-process pond waste should be safe, but just in case there are some defenses set up around the perimeters to scare off wildlife. Mostly the defenses consist of little tanks of propane that are electrically timed to fire off gunshot type sounds. These echo and scare the crap out of the birds.

Well those failed.

Those ducks started landing and all of a sudden poor Syncrude had a bit of a PR problem. You can hunt anything in Alberta, but don't you dare let something die in a pond. Syncrude alarmists took meritorious action: airlifting a handful of sick birds all the way to Edmonton. No room for emergency room patients on this flight. Hell, let those organ donors drive 4 hours down highway 63, just clear that runway for Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Bottom line, huge cost to Syncrude, just another couple hundred dead animals for Darwin.
(Don't worry too much, a few days ago Syncrude plead not guilty to the suits against them).

Still,
Ducks 1, Humans 0.

Today though, Greenpeace took a little chapter out of Darwin's book. They said, screw ducks, lets downgrade for human lives. In one fell swoop, they coordinated a raid on the open pit mine of Albian Sands (another oil sands company). A few of their brave warriors jumped onto both a heavy hauler (house sized dump truck) and a shovel (where the shovel can park about 4 Jeeps). They chained themselves to the heavy machinery, and wont move until... well who really knows. I wonder if they brought sandwiches? I heard they have all their PPE: safety glasses, hard hats, even the blue Lego suits that are flame retardant. Way to comply with CCOHS (Canadian OSHA), don't want to get kicked off site for safety violations.

I just want to know what they did with the heavy hauler driver. Many are women, and I personally wouldn't F with any of those Fort Mac chicks. Hope Greenpeace had those African game sized tranquilizer darts (not for the size of the woman, just the level of anger).

Word to the wise, oh heroes of the environment: You're not going to get choppered out of there when that driver breaks your legs. Not unless you swooped in with your flying V, and know how to hit your knuckle-puck.

Just the First of many

We're just experimenting here. More nonsense to come.