Hopkins Student Kills Man with Samurai Sword

To be clear, the man did not have a samurai sword, my new hero did.
But we're not here to nitpick about newspaper editor's inept and ambiguous headlines.

We're here because we want carnage. And John Pontolillo, the 20 year old Johns Hopkins student who is now my sensei, obliged us.

Our hero's story begins with this...

Earlier on Monday, a band of evil thieves, possibly associated with Al Qaeda, broke into Pontolillo's apartment home and stole a Playstation and two laptops. At around 12 am, Tuesday morning, our hero used his jedi mind skills to detect movement near his garage. Sensing a chance to defend his honor, this brave combatant strode to his arsenal and chose the samurai's greatest weapon. No, not the ninja star, although that is also quite awesome. Instead it was "The Mall Purchased Katana." John approached the devious miscreant, and with one swipe and a stab, the criminal lay permanently right-handed and bleeding outside the garage.

"He wasn't a ninja." So says police spokesperson Anthony Guglielmi. Well of course thats true, Tony, because if he was an actual ninja, he'd be invisible to the untrained eye. Another brilliant observation from the apparent martial arts expert and police spokesman: "He may have been moderately trained or on the intermediate level." What incredible journalism, what reverence for the ancient art of death and stealth.

The remainder of "The Baltimore Sun" article discusses Katana pricing as well as vendors (It actually does), for all your home defense needs. This is the kind of in depth reporting we desperately need. If i ever procreate, I won't let my spawn see me tossing little christmas tree ornament ninja stars at my foe.

That's the truth.