What Are We Going to Do With All These Kids?

Main problem with kids: they keep reproducing. Not by themselves of course, silly. Big people keep making more of them.

And now they're too lazy to even do that! We've been practicing in vitro fertilization for quite a few years now (Since the first artificially born human, Louise Brown, was successfully birthed on July 25, 1978). The phrase , in vitro, is from the Latin root meaning "within the glass." I think it means that tons of babies are made every year because of liquor in big bottles (more glass). More glass = more alcohol = facilitation of coitus with opposite sex. Here is a logical proof.

Absolut Vodka comes in a large bottle. Beer comes in small bottles. Vodka has a higher alcohol content than beer. Vodka is therefore the primary ingredient for creating humans. That's just science.

So, with all this time elapsed since the first petri dish kid, scientists have found some interesting ways to increase chances of conception. One way is to freeze the little buggers after they're fertilized. It's just as safe as getting those suckers live, much like processed fish. It's estimated by wikipedia that there are 500,000 fish stick babies in the US alone. Now the question becomes, what the hell do we do with them?

Solution: Use them for scientific research, namely future fertilization techniques or stem cell research. Now that Barack is giving out money like Jack Nicholson in Batman, I'd love to see this.

It's not worth arguing that "ooo, zygotes have the same right as adults." You're an idiot for two reasons. One: these fertilized cells could never come to term naturally. If it wasn't for science, they'd pass out of their parent's body in a not so nice fashion. Two, if you're worried about a zygotes chances at life, you'll realize that 60-80% of ALL possible humans never even come to term, and this happens NATURALLY. I'm talking about the different levels of fertilization and natural abortions that happen in the womb, not the total possible number of humans based on number of eggs and sperm. If you're worried that a zygote is a human, do something about it! Women should be kept inside the house! And at an appropriate temperature! Water skiing and rock climbing are a NO NO. Voting entirely prohibited.

But we're not worried around these parts. and we know there's too many of the little bacteria running around. They sneeze and wipe greasy hands everywhere, giving me the flu.

The Bible says, "be fruitful and multiply." Yeah, great idea, Moses. Go push your Jewish world domination scheme somewhere else. Kids suck, keep em on ice.