RIP V.I.P.

I am already tired of being a news agency. Nose to the grindstone journalism isn't a walk in the park, with every sentence exhaustively researched, rewritten and then edited.

But I'll be your source. Like Joe Pesci in a mob flick, just one more time.

Southington, CT, recently passed a moratorium on "adult-oriented business." Specifically, a V.I.P. (Very Intimate Pleasures, for those of you who have never been a 14 year old boy looking at those signs on rte 91) is opening a store in an old Ethan Allen store, and people are UP IN ARMS.

Direct quote from The Record Journal, a preeminent local newspaper:
" "We know elections are coming up; if you folks aren't able to represent us, then let's find some who will," said the Rev. Eric Bucci of Southington, the pastor of a Cheshire church."

Fine words, Rev. But it looks like your current elected officials are already heroes! Ethan Allen is gone. Your town is saved from the price gouging, mass producing, slightly stylish cousin to Bob's Discount Furniture. Imagine paying $2800 for a camelback sofa made in the Philippines by 10 year olds. Highway robbery! Those kids have quick little hands, perfectly evolved to handle cheap pine around a chop saw. No way should anybody in this tri-town area pay more than 1700 Sacagawea's (yes it's a "G", not a "J") for that jazz.

"Only one resident spoke against the moratorium - despite, he said, having relatives speak in favor of it."
He's the guy that'll wear the T-shirt of the band to the concert.
And he obviously supports childhood inactivity, a direct contributor to pre-teen obesity. Us concerned citizens want to keep the Philippino youth healthy!


"It's a lynch mob of moral superiority," said John Garvin. "You would think with this crowd that we were discussing a huge tax increase or a new high school. Instead, it's because of sex in a bricks-and-mortar business."

Who the hell is John Garvin? What gives him the right to use phrases like "bricks-and-mortar business"?

Despite John Garvin's interest in waylaying the American public with burdensome, wallet sniping apartment accouterments, Ethan Allen will remain closed. And, the moratorium on adult business will be in effect for the next 8 months. Unreported but assumed, the only religious group sided against the moratorium is the Catholic priesthood.